I think my upstairs neighbour is having a party. So you know where’ I’ll be!
… on my sofa, under my blanket, with a book.
(i have had this saved in my drafts for at least 2 years. i don’t know why i’m posting this now but i have been feeling anxious, bored and lonely and unable to express myself. i’m not sure posting this will help, but at least i feel like i’m communicating something to someone.)
One of my earliest memories is from when I was about 3 years old. It was before we moved to the town I spent the rest of my childhood and teenage years in. We lived in a small house and I had probably just become not an only child anymore. The people next door had two daughters that were a few years older than me. To my recollection they were my best friends.
They had a typewriter and one of the sisters was learning how to type. The keys on the keyboard all had different colour covers over them. One day I was looking at the typewriter trying to figure out how it worked (without touching it!) and the girl said I could type something - anything I wanted - if I wanted to. I refused because I didn’t know which fingers were supposed to go onto wich colours. I remember my refusal and nothing they said could convince me that it didn’t matter which finger went where.
In kindergarten, when I was about 4 or 5, I once found a wrapped candy somewhere in the classroom. I remember asking the other kids if it was theirs. It didn’t belong to anyone so I ate it. Then one of the boys told me it was his ‘medicin’ and that I would get sick now because it wasn’t meant for me. I was anxious, stressed out and worried for days (maybe even longer) after that. I can distinctly remember being so, so worried and scared.
When I was 11 my father killed himself.